More refined than Rab C

Alan Johnston sent me these - I couldnt even find a picture of Chick Murray with Google image

Chic Murray (glasgow legend from the 60s) - just for douglas:


'I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been away.'


'So there I was lying in the gutter. This man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."


I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?


So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.


What use is happiness? It can't buy you money


If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?


I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.


I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.


If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.


After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.


Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.


The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.


It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.


I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.


I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.


There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.


The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.


I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.


I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.


I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.


We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.


My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.


I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".


I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.


There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.


My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.


My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.


I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.